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Alone in the Dark
Nostalgia Critic looks passed out. He has a laptop on his lap to use the text-to-speech program to deliver his dialog NC: Hello, I'm the nostalgia critic, I remember it so you don't have to... (beat) Well, it finally happened; I've been traumatized by the movie I just saw, a film so bad that my doctor tells me I may never speak again. What film brought me to such a speechless state? Well, let me tell you the story of a sourkraut named Uwe Boll. (Pictures of Uwe Boll are shown) NC (voiceover): He is being declared as the new Ed Wood of the film world, a man who keeps constantly making horrible movie after horrible movie, and yet somehow keeps making money. He mostly makes video game films like House of the Dead and Bloodrayne. His gimmick is that he excersizes German tax loopholes, that reward his investments into the film, even if they totally bomb. So if the movie loses money, the investor got a tax right off. He's also well known for challenging his critics to a boxing match and beating the living man-shit out of them. NC: Class act. Because of his unfortunate popularity, my viewers have been requesting me to review one of his movies. I took a look at one of his most famous films, Alone in the Dark, and am now paying the consequences. I'd love to review the movie for you, but I do not want to sound like Stephen Hawking's speaking coach. So it looks like I'm going to pass on this one unless I can find someone to review-- Spoony enters. Spoony: Did someone say Uwe Boll? Man, I've wanted to take a shot at that cinematic Hitler for YEARS! Critic: How did you get in here? Spoony: I'm from the future... Critic: What? Spoony: I'm just kidding, I... broke in. Spoony sits down next to Critic. Critic looks relieved, but then confused. Critic: Well, not that I would want to watch the movie again with you, Spoony, but I fear a film this bad would take at least three reviewers, so unless you could find someone else- Linkara enters. Linkara: Hi, guys! NC: Oh, Jesus, no... Linkara: I saw the Nostalgia signal in the sky... A searchlight with Critic's face on it is shown while we can hear batman TV show theme. NC: Why did I install that? Linkara: No one should have to watch Uwe Boll alone, especially with Spoony. Spoony: Hey dude, check what I can make the Nostalgia Critic say. Spoony types something on Critic's laptop. NC: I like to wear women's clothing, I like to wear women's clothing. Linkara snickers and Critic pushes Spoony away. NC: Well I guess we have enough people to withstand the horrors of the Boll. So what do you say we watch Alone in the Dark, with a group in the daylight? Linkara: Sounds great! Spoony: Totally looking forward to it! Critic: Goody. The title card for The Three Shmuckheads comes in with a merry music, presumable a homage to The Three Stooges. Then Alone in the Dark title screen comes up and the movie begins. Linkara '''(voiceover): So, we start off with an opening text scroll explaining the background of the story. '''Narrator: Mine workers discovered the first remnants of the long-lost Native American civilization - The Abkani. The Abkani believed there are two worlds on this planet. A world of light and a world of darkness. Spoony (voiceover): The Abkani were kinda stupid that way. Narrator (continues): The Abkani opened a gate between these worlds...The Abkani mysteriously vanished from the Earth. Critic (voiceover): They never think to look under the fridge. Narrator (continues): Only a few artifacts remained, hidden in the world's- Linkara: Good god, how long is this? Spoony: It's like Alone in the Dark: The Audio Book. Narrator: Bureau 713 began collecting Abkani artifacts. When the government- When is seems tha the narration is over, to the three reviewers' disappointment, we can see more bunch of texts are scrolling up. All three: AUGH!! Linkara: How much text is in this movie!? Spoony: This isn't a bill for Health Care! Let's get to the feakin' action already! Narrator '(still continues): There, he conducted savage experiments on orphaned children- ''Spoony and Linkara sings to the tune of the Star Wars main theme. '''Spoony and Linkara: Boooring! This is so boooring! This is so boooring! Get to the show! Narrator (still continuing): Hudgens victims survived as "sleepers" - lost souls awaiting the moment of their calling. The narration finally finishes. NC: Wait, I missed something. Could you start it again? Linkara and Spoony protest. Spoony (voiceover): So I guess 22 years before that onslaught of rambling text, there was a sweet, innocent, old nun, who ran a lovely little orphanage, where she sold her children to the most adorable science experiments. Linkara (voiceover): Wait, what? Sister Clara: The children are my responsibility. Agent: We've been through this before. These children have been specially selected. It's not about a few children. It's about the future of our species. NC: Wow, James Lipton have found a way to become even hammier. Spoony (voiceover): So one of the kids escapes from one of the evil experiments and hides in the safest place he can think off: a high voltage electricity box! Linkara (voiceover): But, it's okay. He's saved by a flash-foward to the future. NC (voiceover): Oh no! He grew up into Christian Slater! The boy next to Slater: Did you have a nightmare? My mommy says that there's nothing to be afraid of in the dark. Linkara (mocking the boy): My mommy also says I should pick an accent before I act. Linkara (voiceover): This is Edward, our main character, who makes his living as a proffesional monolouger. Edward: My name is Edward Carnby, and I'm here to protect you from the things you don't believe. You see, there's a world around you that you trained yourself not to see. So, maybe you're thinking I'm an asshole scaring that kid for no reason. Spoony (voiceover): No, we think you're an asshole for a lot of other reasons. Edward: When I was 10 I lost my memory, gone, erased. You don't have to believe me. Linkara & Spoony: Why start now? Taxi Driver: What do you do? Edward: I'm a paranormal investigator. I hunt and track down the strange and unusual. NC (voiceover): I think his performance in The Wizard is an upgrade compared to this. Edward: The cab has followed since we left the airport. Taxi Driver: You want me to lose him? Edward: I wouldn't mind. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a chase scene begins. Taxi Driver: Shit! Spoony: Be careful! Jesse Vantoret has been known to kill people! NC (voiceover): So, they have themselves a little car chase until the Vantoret douche nails them in a corner. Slater tells the cab driver not to move. Edward: Stay down! Spoony (voiceover): So long, rare white cab driver guy! The cab crashes. NC (voiceover): You know, for protecting us from the things we don't believe in, he really sucks at it. Linkara (voiceover): So, rather than just attacking the guy, he climbs up a fence, walks over a bridge, and then attacks the guy. I guess he figured he could use the exercise. Slater kicks the guy through a window, then the guy breaks through the door Linkara (voiceover): You know, you don't have to beat up the door, pal. You could've just as easily gone through the window you just smashed through. And here he is crashing through another window. What is with this guy and his fear of doors. Did a door kill his family? The guy steals an item from Edward's coat. Edward performs a spinning kick in the air right after laying on the ground '', to kick it out of his hand, which the guys laugh at.'' Spoony: What's with the physically impossible Street Fighter move?! The scene plays again, with a dubbed voice saying, "Sonic Boom" Spoony: Nobody can levitate a kick like that from off the ground. Linkara: Unless of course that man was... Critic looks at Linkara, then Spoony. Then everyone leans forward to the camera All three: Chuck Norris! A photograph of Chuck Norris against a firework background is shown and someone exclaims his name in a high-pitched voice. Spoony (voiceover): So Slater tries to shoot the guy, but it turns out that the bullets are just like nope gums are thrown at him. The guy chases Edward down the street as Edward shoots some more at him. Linkara (voiceover): Yeah, because it worked so well in the first time! The guy make Edward unable to move; however, Edward spots a sharp small metal stick and throws the guy towards it. The guy is killed with the stick penetrating him. Three reviewers seem confused. Spoony: So, wait a minute. Knocking him senseless does nothing, shooting him does nothing, but falling him on a sharp pointy stick that just happens to be laying on the grond is what kills him. That makes no sense! Linkara: Unless of course that man was... Critic looks at Linkara, then Spoony. Then everyone leans forward to the camera. All three: Chuck Norris? Chuck Norris joke is about to appear, but it stops quickly. All three: No, no. No. No. NC: That makes no sense. Spoony (voiceover): So we cut to a scientist, Aline, palyed by Tara Reid. How do we know she's a scientist? Because she has glasses, of course! And as we all know, any woman who has glasses is either a scientist or adventurous librarian. Sppony: Since wearing glasses makes look them any smarter! Critic and Linkara, who are both wearing glasses, glare at Spoony. Spoony: I need glasses. Aline: It's probably for the big Abkani show. Security guard #1: Abkani? What the hell is Abkani? Security guard #2 (sighing): It's an ancient Native American civilization! Spoony (mimicking German accent): OK. Ja! Don't you know that like everyone knows about the Abkani tribe! Linkara (mimicking German accent): It was all over MTV news last week! NC: For sure. Linkara (voiceover): So we see Slater trying to walk away from the plot when he has a sudden suspician like he has been followed. The camera rotates quickly from Edward's perspective while a frightening music can be heard. Linkara (voiceover): AND....! He's not. Spoony (voiceover): Huh! You know, from the way they are shooting I got a swearing he was followed! Linkara (voiceover): Nope! He's just walking home, with no confronting obstacles whatsoever. Spoony (voiceover): Huh! That is pointless, really. Linkara: Ja. NC: So it turns out Slater makes goody good money as he lives in like what looks like a mix between Russian furniture show room. Spoony: So he looks at his archaeological decoder ring to see if they can find any clues of what it translates out to... In Edward's computer screen, green words appear which says: Be sure to drink your ovaltine. A boy: Son of a bitch! Linkara: We then cut to a ship in the middle of the sea where professor Lionel Hudgens and Gordon Fisherman here make a remarkable discovery. A box made of a 100% pure gold. Fisherman: Whatever's inside must be worth a fortune. Professor: Oh, you have no idea. Linkara (voiceover): But before he can say "Hands up, people!", the sailors lock the professor in a room and steal the box away, opening it up and releasing a horrible creature. As soon as the sailors open the box, growling of a monster can be heard. We cut to Edward who is investigating the ring. The ring shines and Edward seems to feel a sudden pain. Linkara (voiceover, mimicking Slator): Oh no! my acting is going shattered! Ordinary people in the city is seen walking out of the frame. Linkara (voiceover): For some reason everyone decides to... just walk off the movie! I mean, jeez, I know Uwe Boll is a horrible director, but the half of all the actors just walk off the movie at the same time, that's pretty bad. Spoony (voiceover): So the professor opens up the door that was just... locked a second ago to find the entire crew have been murdered! This gets the attention of agency for paranormal investigations bureau 713, filled with the most attractive people that GQ can afford. Agent: There's no malfunction, sir. Cmdr. Richard Burke: Jesus Christ. NC: Hey look. It's that guy who consistently all most as a career! Linkara: Stephen Dorff? NC: Yes. Linkara (voiceover): So Slater makes his way back to the his old orphanage in hopes of figuring out the secret to his past. In fact some of his own friends are disappearing! We cut to Edward visiting the nun. The nun walks out of the orphanage and walk together with Edward in front of the orphanage. Nun: It's happening again. Edward: I need your help. I wanna find the others. Nun: I'll get that files. The nun goes back into the orphanage. Linkara (voiceover, mimicking the nun): So let's go back to where we just came. NC (voiceover): Walking at its best, folks. We cut to Edward in his house investigating. Linkara (voiceover): What? We're back here? Linkara: This movie jumps around more than a Mexican jumping bean, on a grasshopper, on a Jack rabbit, on a pogo stick! Critic and Spoony looks at Linkara suspiciously. Linkara: This movie sucks! We cut again to another place: Edward is in cafe seat. Spoony (voiceover): So he talks to a pal to figure out is there anything that all the people disappearing recently have in common. Edwar's pal: I, uh, I tracked down the three you asked me about. NC (voiceover): Even you are showing him for, you moron. Edward's pal: Nothing much in common except they all grew up the same orphanage. Spoony (voiceover): Oh, IS THAT ALL? Just the same orphanage? It's like saying oh, they have nothing in common, except for like, that one huge thing they have in common! Linkara (voiceover): So because this movie can't stand for two seconds he goes to another location in museum where the archaeological hottie works. Aline runs to Edward and hugs him. Aline: Edward! Edward: I missed you. Aline slaps Edward in the face. Aline: I thought your're dead! You asshole! NC: We loves Edward, we loves him so much! No. We hates Edward, we hates him with all hour! Spoony: No, no, no, seriously Critic. It does not work unless you actually have the Gollum's voice. Critic seems disappointed and depressed. NC: My precious? Spoony: No, no, honey. It's okey. Just.. just.. Spoony closes Critic's laptop. Spoony (voiceover): So Aline analyses the artifact and comes with some baffling conclusion. Aline: The thing is they're all from different locations: Venezuela, Newfoundland, Alaska... and now this one from Chile. Edward: Like burying them at the ends of the earth. Aline: Yeah. But why? If you want someone to build a puzzle why would you hide the pieces so far apart? All three reviewers: Because it's puzzle, you dummy! It's supposed to be hard to solve! Linkara (voiceover): Things look bad when suddenly the lights in the museum starts flickering on and off. And probablely this doesn't help the security guard who has just two days left before the retirement. Spoony (voicover): Yeah. Flickering lights. Uwe Boll is actually trying to scare us with flickering light. All that's missing is a guy in a microphone trying to make scary sound effects. Linkara and Spoony (voiceover, making scary sounds): Whooooo! Aaaoooo! Wheeeeeeee! Whoooooo! Eeeeeeew! Look out for the flickering lights! Ooooo! Monster appears and stabs the security guard in the head with it's claws. Linkara (voiceover, mimicking security guard): Remember me, as a private security guard! Spoony (voiceover): So Edward and Aline sees and beast and try their best to get away from it. NC (voiceover): ZUUL, MOTHERFUCKER. ZUUUUL! Spoony (voiceover): Oh, yeah. and trap yourself inside the building, don't run out of the building or into the streets where someone can help you? This makes much more sense. Linkara '''(voiceover): But thankfully Stephen Dorff and friends come in to save the day! And of course being agent jackass as well '''Cmdr. Richard Burke: Got a little soft since you left 713? Why are you still here? Edward: I just got my ass chased around this goddamn museum by something I couldn't see. I want to know what 713 knows about it! Cmdr. Richard Burke: You're not in 713 anymore. Okey? That information is classified. That means it's none of your fucking business! Linkara (mimicking Richard Burke): What about the business with that little girl? Cmdr. Richard Burke: We got this under control. Edward: Alright, Burke. Maybe I have gotten soft. Cmdr. Richard Burke: You just keep walking! Spoony (voiceover): Is he trying to outslater Christain Slator? NC (voiceover): So Edward goes to the old doctor friend he saw earlier to see if he discovered anything about the poor guy. Doctor: This might have something to do with it. Never seen this kind of symbiosis before. This must be why his entire nervous system was compromised. Linkara (voiceover): If, by compromised you mean invincible! Doctor: Scanner's still giving a reading. The Doctor senses something strange when he scans Edward. Edward: What? Spoony (voiceover): It appears that you have... Oh! We got a cut scene. I'll tell you later. NC (voiceover): So we see the professor apparantly has been keeping some of the mosters for himself. Taking their blood and injecting to his own. What does this have to do with the story? Nothing. Uwe Boll is just a weird fuck. Professor injects the mosters' blood into his body. Spoony (voiceover): Hmmm! That's good McGuffin! We cut to Edward and he starts his monologue again. All three reviewers: Shut up! Linkara (voiceover): Good lord! he can monologue about anything! (mimicking Slator's monolgoue) I was on my way to get my prostitute's check. Spoony (voiceover, mimicking Slator's monologue): When I suddenly realized I forgot to tear the laws. NC (voiceover): Why the hell was I in Star Trek 6? Spoony (voiceover): But his monologing doesn't last long as he is intrrupted by Aline droping by his place! Perhaps she's come to share some info, or figure out why he lided about being dead or... maybe she's just a whore! Linkara (voiceover): I mean, what kind of woman acts like this? Embraing in your home and starts making out with you? Granted I whish more women would act like that but this is really pushing it. NC (voiceover): Maybe she left her keys inside his mouth and can only get it with her tongue. Linkara (voiceover): In fact, how come there is not narration here? Don't you think this is the good spot to have a monologue? Spoony (mimicking Slator's monologue): I couldn't believe this chick I mean she just broke into my home and started doing it. Linkara (mimicking Slator's monologue): Maybe it's that new x body's frame. You're the fact that I started bathing again. NC (voiceover): Why the hell was I in Star Trek 6? Edward: It seems all the pieces fit together. Spoony: Oh, is that what you call what you just did? I mean I slapped you after we hugged. You don't know what I'm gonna do after we have sex. Spoony: Uh oh! Uwe Boll is switching light on and off again! Which must mean there is danger nearby! Edward: Stay there. Linkara: I'll abandon you bravely. You can vent by yourself! Spoony (voiceover): So they're attacked by more people with compromised nervous system but luckily their blowing magic blowing ball is hurt them now. Edward shoots off the monster. NC (voiceover): ZUU... AH! MOTHERFUC...AH! ZUUL..AH! YOU AHOLE! Aline: How many more are there? Suddenly everything becomes dark and blur and lights flash everywhere while a rock music is played. NC (voiceover): Oh, great. The whole fight scene is shot in the dark so we can't see the action. Critic, Linkara and Spoony mimick the silly action sequence by stand ing in front of a black background and shooting their guns everywhere. But soon they stop shooting and they pose for picture with smiling faces. NC (voiceover): Luckily Stephen Dorff and his friends again come to save the day. Linkara (voiceover): How do they know these guys are evil? they could have been innocent civilians who just wandered in! The same black background is used again with flashing lights and rock music. Four cameos appear: 90's Kid, Dr. Isano, Ma-Ti and Bum. 90's Kid: Wow! With all these flashing lights... 90's Kid is shot to death. 90' Kid: Oh, not radical. Dr. Insano: I brought science! Dr. Insado is shot to death. Ma-Ti: Pizza delivery! Ma-Ti is shot to death. Bum: Change! You got... Bum is shot to death. Edward: Hey, Burke! Edward shoots a woman who was trying to attack Burke from behind. However, obviously the bullet does not hit her. Linkara (voiceover): What? It didn't even hit her! I mean, look at her! It goes right above her head! Was the shot somebody trying to kill her just too much for her to handle? NC (voiceover): Actually think about it. That gun shot was computer generated. So the director actually had to say in post production make sure that shot doesn't hit her. What a cock-sucking douchebag. Spoony (voiceover): It's like he's taunting us without how bad he is like he can post anything he wants somehow will still say rich. Wholely in America! NC (voiceover): And yet ironically, with a German. Edward: What the hell is going on here? Cmdr. Richard Burke: I got a feeling that this is just a beginning. All three reviewers sigh and moan. Spoony: How long is this movie? Linkara (voiceover): This movie has a talent for somehow having too much plot and yet having no plot at all! White taxi driver earlier in this movie: That's funny man. Spoony (voiceover): So they put together and all the nasty monsters and zombie people are coming to this world to one cave or mine or something. So they load up and get ready to snooping around. A man: Wait for my command! We've got three guerillas with flashlights set up and gatling guns with electromagnetic motion tracking. And every available agent in the vicinity is here- Burke: Look, I don't care what you have to do. Linkara (voiceover): I do love just random yelling. All three starts to mimick Burke and the man's random yelling. Christopher Walken: I gotta have more cowbelt! Spoony (voiceover): So everybody suits up and guards the cave to mkae sure no mosters or zombie folks break in. And it's probable bad thing to mention that every single one of the soldiers has just two days left before retirement! Linkara (voiceover): So about the next ten minutes of the film is just pretty much of our heros just roaming through this big thundermountain here. Burke and his crew turn on their flashlights and starts to investigate while camera closes up so many walls that are not much worth to look at. Three reviewers sings in voiceover briefly. Linkara (voiceover): Hey, look! A wall! That's different! One of the crew falls down when the floor suddenly crushes down. We then see he falled into a floor full of big pointy thorns. A man: Marko! A woman: Marko! NC (voiceover): Oh, well. Spoony (voiceover): See? That's what happens when you go up against to sub-zero. A game screen from Mortal Combat game is shown. The gamer is thrown upwards and stabbed by big pointy thorns. A subtitle appears: Sub-Zero wins. NC (voiceover): So as you can imagine, a bunch of more of those mutated gagoyles broke in and attack the soldiers. Spoony (voiceover): But that doesn't stop right here from still snooping around. Edward: I don't think we're supposed to be here. All three reviewers looked pissed off. NC: You. Are. An. Idiot. One of the soldiers is stabbed in the ankle by some monster. Burke: What? Cheung, lay down. Lay down. Lay down. Relax. Everything is going to be fine. Linkara (voiceover): Well, she'll be honored. A monster pops out of the sand and everyone just holds the gun towards it and does not shoot it. Spoony (voiceover): Uh, shoot it! Shoot it! Try shooting it, guys! And yeah, she's dead now! Thanks a lot for you 713's finest. Aline: You guys, check this out. It's a warning. It says once you make it down here alive... you're already dead. Linkara: But if you come down here dead, you'll be alive! Spoony: Even when you're half dead and half alive you might have a chance of getting fixed... and all of the Everyone starts to argue'at the same time'' about the warning written in the stone.'' Burke: C'mon. Let's move! soldiers walk out of the place where one soldier is dead. When we cut to another scene, Linkara finds something strange. Linkara: Wait a minute! She she turned her head up. Play it again! The scene of soldiers walking out of the cave is rewinded and shown again. We clearly see the person who was obviously dead a few minutes ago raises her head up. Three reviewers sigh and complain. Spoony: Oh! What is with that? How are you get away with that? I guess Stephen Dorff was right! She will be okey! NC: Nobody assiciated with his movie is okey. Spoony (voiceover): So the G.I.Shmo work theri way to the dark laboratory where they make an astonishing discovery. Edward: It's 713. They implanted us with those things. Burke: We've been trying to stop something that they created the whole time. My guys are dying out there for nothing! For fucking nothing! Goddamn it! NC, since he lost his voice, Spoony helps him with his Joke. While Spoony types, NC does the act. However Spoony gets mischievous. '' 'NC': I am acting!.... I like to wear women's clothing. I like to wear women's clothing! '' 'Linkara snickers and Critic pushes Spoony away.'' '' ''Linkara': Now it says you made it to this door you would be intimidated by the other door. '' 'Edward': The answers I've been looking for my whole life could be on the other side of this thing. '' ''Aline: Some doors are meant to shut. '' ''NC (voiceover): Like the DVD case of this movie. '' 'The professor Lionel Hudgens who appeared in this film earlier suddenly comes out and shoots his gun randomly in the air.'' '' ''Prof, Lionel Hudgens': I spent twenty years looking for the key to that door! Does this place bring back memories, Carnby? You were my last failure here. If you hadn't escaped 713 would never have shut down my experiments. '' 'Spoony' (voiceover): So Dorff does a perfect underhand throw to the guy's chest. '' Category:Content Category:Guides